2009 VMAs: The Kanye is an Ass Show

Madonna with a Hollywood Bumpits is here to tell us that she is exactly like Michael Jackson, except he never grew up and then he died. Also, his music punches you in the face. She goes on to talk about the most boring date ever.

A shot of Pete Wentz looking "solemn" is all I need to already be sick of this show. Then I get more of them. P!NK, Jimmy Falon, and the guy from Green Day. We all care so so so much.

MTV then tries to remind us that they once card about music by showing the lead-in to the original recording of Thriller. A dance troupe dressed as various stages of Jackson's costume career while a zombie version of him plays in the background. They should at least be given credit for using real professional dancers for this opening segment rather than a bunch of weak celebrities.

I'm not a big Michael Jackson fan, but his "best of" songs are really good.

Does anyone actually sing live on stage anymore? Janet, you had two lines in that song... why not live?

With memorial performances I can't help but think about how none of these people would care about what they just saw if the focus of said performance was still alive.

Well, that was about as classy as this channel gets. What will follow it?

Oh... a horrible Katy Perry singing "We Will Rock You" like an idiot. That makes sense. Back to normal for MTV.

Russell Brand, wearing a suit tailored to a small child comes out with apparent fanfare but the fake music is so obnoxiously loud that you can't tell if anyone is actually interested to see him. I think he's funny, but I think his delivery tonight is terrible. Shouting without emotion, not really a good thing.

Looks like an extra escaped from the set of Labyrinth, got in a time machine and came to the show... oh wait, I think that's just Lady GaGa.

I'm bored. I don't think you can do a long tribute AND a stand up routine before getting to "the content"

On the other hand, the "content" for the VMAs is really uninteresting, so they should stick with the boring time filler.

Shakira talks like she sings. Really, very well. No, seriously. Everything she said makes sense.

Best Female Video - Taylor Swift
Who Should Have Won - Katy Perry. I don't like her music, but this is a damn video show, right? It's a good video. And of course, here comes Kanye to be the biggest fucking asshole in the world. What a rude jerk. I know this is a dumbass award show that no one cares about and has no bearing on anything, but that was just a dick move. Taylor Swift is 19 and looked both shocked and humbled to be given the award. Then he comes up and pretty much does his "X doesn't care about black people" routine. Beyonce's video actually sucks, for the record.

Kanye is a shithead.

Whatever was going on with Tracy Morgan and Eminem, no one is paying attention, and it's probably not that funny.

This live band is not good.

Russell has returned sans child's jacket, which apparently had white sleeve cuffs sewn into it.

Jack Black, now there's someone I like. And it looks like he's been working out. Good stuff. Whoever he's up there with doesn't seem to get the joke. She looks really smart though, so I don't know what her problem is.

Best Rock Video - Green Day
Who Should Have Won - Coldplay. While I don't think that Coldplay is "rock", their video was the best of the lot. I have to add, also, that all of this music really really really sucks. That's probably the worst Green Day song I've ever heard.

Hey, it's that stupid little douchey punk from that video I posted the other day! What a punk ass runt! That iCarly chick is one year older than him and is, like, four feet taller than him. Who do I blame for the popularity of these people?

Okay, now we've got Taylor Swift fake busking. That's realistic. Oh, a train is pulling up! Will she get on, or will dancers come off?

She got on! Never saw it coming.

I'm bored again, but at least she is actually singing. And I'll hand it to the VMA's: this is a cute bit, and it actually makes sense for the artist performing. I bet Kanye feels like a real piece of shit right now. At least I hope so. But Swift won out, she's proving why she's here.

Pete Wentz is short and ugly. Someone get that guy some Head & Shoulders.

Here comes some terrible shit in the form of a Lady GaGa...opera? Hip-hopera, perhaps? She's dressed as the Donnie Darko rabbit's girlfriend, singing a song about Papa papa papa paparazzi. I might actually like her if her songs weren't so dumb. She can obviously sing, she does all sorts of crazy stage stuff, which is missing from a lot of...

Okay, what is with the wheelchair? And one of the guys from So You Think You Can Dance is freaking her in a white leotard. That's funny.

Anyhow, good performer, knows her shit... just the music is so bland. It doesn't go with the "all of the sudden I'm covered in blood" thing. For me, the performance is hard to get into when the music isn't there.

How do we marry GOOD music with GOOD performance these days?

Tracy Morgan and Eminem are back not being funny. And then that's over.

Brand is now saying he'd like to date rape Megan Fox. Funny? Eh.

Ah, good, back to MTV... Nelly, looking terrible, has to stand next to some skank from The Hills.

Best Pop Video - Britney Spears. Really?!
Who Should Have Won - I don't know, they all sucked. Britney is "on tour" hanging out with Egon in a room with a good microphone in it.

Green Day performs, because they're cool or something. I'm going to fast forward this part now.

Wow, these music interludes are really bad.

Oh, it's the Twilight jerks. Congratulations to Kristen Stewart for actually looking good tonight. Here's the obligatory fan thanks, and some dumb trailer. Cue screaming?

The vampire mythology in Twilight is pretty damn dumb. One thing they do right though is that the writing is great for "young adults"... it's cheesy and cliched, just like teens. Well, that was two minutes of my life I can't get back. I don't know how much more of this show I'm going to be able to stomach.

Beyonce looks straight up terrible and is doing the least sexy gyrating I have ever seen. Two girls out to flank her and show the audience what a well toned person in a unitard should look like. Unfortunately, none of them can dance. And it just keeps going. Fast forward.

Best Male Video - T.I.
Who Should Have Won - Kanye. "Love Lockdown" is an amazing video, but right now he deserves his boos and I'm glad he doesn't win.

I like listening to Gerard Butler talk. However, I don't give two shits about Muse, so it's time to Fast Forward. If you want an example of BAD stage presence, check these guys out.

More Tracy and Eminem. You know, on another show I might like what they're doing here, but this might be one thing too much for this clusterfuck of a show.

Eminem crying as he hears a version of "Time After Time" is pretty funny, though.

Oh, look J-Lo is still around, for some reason. She is now claiming to have birthed Hip Hop or something. Nice fake hair.

Best Hip Hop Video - Eminem
Who Should Have Won - Probably him. It's a funny video, it's a video that took some time to make, and heck, whatever. Again, Kanye's name elicits jeering. He's so stupid.

Someone is now "celebrating" DJ AM, a two-bit DJ who intentionally overdosed because he was a little sad. To everyone who has enough self respect to not take your own life because of cowardice, this one's for you.

The trailer for Where The Wild Things Are gives me chills. That's going to be a beautiful film.

This show's still going on for some reason! Oh, here come Tracy and Eminem to the stage.

Best New Artist - Lady GaGa
Who Should Have Won - I guess her? She's wearing a lace blood crown suit or something, that's new, right?

Serena Williams is getting mixed applause... I was wondering if the VMA crowd would boo her for her bad behavior and I'm glad some of them did. Serena tried to make a weak joke about stepping over lines, but it fell flat.

Hmm... P!NK is doing something weird. It's enough to keep my attention, and unlike GaGa, I find her music more enjoyable. She's singing live too, for the most part. P!NK's trapeze act is good. Those safety wires are a bit thick, but still, ballsy in general.

This show is almost over... thank goodness. Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg... can we get some funny in here? Samberg looks ridiculous, which I suppose is appropriate.

Video of the Year - Beyonce
Who Should Have Won - Again, I say that Kanye's video is awesome, original, and intersesting but he's a douche. Beyonce gives Taylor Swift the stage, giving Kanye yet another 'fuck you'. He's going to have a few more apologies to give out.

And it's the end, so here comes Jaz-Z's fake convoy. The only Jay-Z I've heard is DJ Dangermouse's Grey Album, so I don't have any interest in this. That's it for me! I feel nauseous.